Opinion: Happy Valentine’s Day? Yeah, right

Maineville resident Karen Bells works at Downtown-based Forza Marketing.

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Valentine’s Day plans?

Grrrr – %@#^ You!

No date this Valentine’s Day? Divorced? Widowed? Terminally ugly? Breath that could knock a buzzard off a sewage truck from 500 paces? Married but your spouse is a real jackhole? Have a blackened and charred heart that allows no human contact?

Yes, there are plenty of reasons to dread Feb. 14, not the least of which is the sheer giddiness of the recipients of all those roses and candies and negligees and fancy cooking supplies (hey, fly your freak flag). They’re just So! Damn! Happy!

We all have those buddies who live in toasty, coastal towns and post breathlessly serene photos of tiny seagull footprints at the beach. You see them on Instagram after spending 30 minutes using a hair dryer and chisel to break through the ice on your car door, and you just feel so … so … gurl, just don’t speak to me right now. In fact, better not look at me.

Yep, well, that’s what Valentine’s Day feels like for your single friends when you traipse through the office carrying your almost-too-big-to-lift flower arrangement with the impossibly adorable card attached.

Or maybe it’s just me.

Most years since my divorce, I just resolve to ignore Valentine’s Day altogether. But America’s retailers and marketers work double-time for this “holiday,” so there’s no hiding. I think I’ll try a new approach.

Herewith, my Valentine’s Day plans. Because who doesn’t love love?•

•Poke holes in all the chocolates in the office coffee alley. Fill every third one with laxatives.

•Pay it backward: After picking up my Egg McMuffin at the drive-through window, I’ll tell the cashier the guy in the car behind me is treating.

•Tuck a slip of paper with my phone number on it into all the men’s pants at the Goodwill.

•Refuse to answer anyone wearing a heart sweater except with a fake Russian accent or a Chewbacca roar.

Actually, I think I’ll be fine as long as I do at least one simple thing on Valentine’s Day: Stay the hell off Facebook. Based on past years, it’ll be a giant, scrolling showcase of flowers and surprise lunch dates and glittering jewelry and proclamations of “What would I do without my boo?” and “How did I get so lucky to find my bae?! He’s so good to me.”

Meanwhile, keep your eye out for my hot and sultry status update: “Countess Whiskers and I had a dreamy ‘Netflix and chill’ double-date night with Ben and Jerry. #blessed #donthatemecuzyouaintme #lovemybae”